I need a Real Therapist, not another self-help book

(Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash)

Tonight I struggle, struggle to write, struggle to think. My head has absolutely no room to maneuver through thoughts.

I got in an argument with my wife today. It was a response to a statement, and my reaction went past the point of apology. Now I can’t seem to move past, because it triggers flashbacks to failed relationships and arguments in the past that were never mended, and scares me to death.

Now, I’m a different person than the man I’ve been in the past, and I feel that I have new communication skills now, but over and over again I’ve watched myself react poorly to something small and seemingly unimportant that breaks the back of the women I love.

While sitting here thinking about this, I can only write — and even that is difficult for me. I don’t know where my terrible reactionary behavior comes from, or why. My intent is never to hurt the one I least want to hurt, yet over and over again words come out of my mouth and cause damage that takes years to repair. I realize that this is my fault, and I need to dig a little deeper into my poor reactions and do some soul searching. I haven’t figured it out in twenty five years, and I’m not sure this is something I will be able to do on my own.

A friend of mine admitted to finding therapy incredibly beneficial, and in hearing that I began to break down my own presumptions about therapy. I’ve participated in therapy multiple times, but never of my own free will. It always came after devastating news, and I was told to “talk to someone”. When it comes to understanding and breaking down my own behaviors, I’ve always felt that I can do it on my own, but now I’m realizing that while I may be able to do that, having a professional help me out might be a better use of my time and speed up the process.

It’s time for me to take this next step and find someone I can speak to honestly, and begin figuring out how to move forward with healthier behaviors for myself and for those around me. I don’t have another chance — and I don’t want one. I want to keep the life I have, my children, my family, my wife, because that’s where my heart is. I feel love for them in the highest degree, but I don’t know how to express that in ways they’ll also benefit from. I don’t think I could ever put words to how I feel, instead I rely on the people I love to intrinsically know that I do. I intend for my actions to speak this for me, my generosity to speak this for me, but so often there are moments where I make those people wonder if I mean it.

Growing up, my mother was training to be a therapist. Since I was young, I’ve always struggled with therapists themselves because I’d already heard theories and studies in the abstract, and thought I knew what they were going to tell me. Everything felt high-concept, and I couldn’t see how it all connected to my life. Now that I’ve grown a little, and can make decisions like this for myself, I know what I’m looking for. Someone strong, honest, and logical. I need truth. Honesty. I need answers, not theories. I need help knowing how to move forward, and how to work on my character flaws, not just hash up my childhood and contemplate. I know those things have created the man sitting at his computer, typing all of this out, but I’m trying to move forward and learn from the past, to push into the future as a better version of myself.

The last four years I’ve dedicated to working on myself, and I’ve changed dramatically both physically and mentally. I’ve got a lot dialed in, but there’s still a gaping hole in my ability to communicate. It has never affected my work life, and on the occasion that I’m harshly honest, it’s because I know what I’m talking about and can solve a problem. It’s what I’ve always done. Solve problems, be efficient, finish the job… but my relationship isn’t a job. It’s my life, it’s what I come home to after work. I need to learn how to be gentler when communicating with my family.

Considering all things, I often wonder if my kids are better off not being around me all the time, would they have turned into me? Lacking in communication skills and ruining relationships as they get older? I will do what I need to in order to learn the tools necessary to make my life better. It feels like I’m not very good at being in love, that I can only operate in chaos, and drive people away. I will change. I will do better. I will be better. I’ve said this before, but I am tired of not having the answers to the problems I’ve created. This is an area of my life in which I need help, and this is my public announcement: I suck at this and I can’t do it on my own!

These are the steps I’m focusing on taking:

— Find a therapist

— Begin working on my character flaws

— Work towards a more loving and communicative relationships

— Continue life as better person

It is going to take work and mental anguish, but in the end it is worth it to come out a better person. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I encourage you to seek help. We are not responsible for the things that happen to us, but we are responsible for our actions and reactions. Healing is in our hands.